An Open Letter to my Sister-in-law, revisited

Since you didn't get the message the first time, let's try again...

I've known you since we were 12 years old. We finished grade school and high school together. You married my brother when we were 21 years young. About seven years ago, I wrote a letter on your behalf to adopt your daughter. Now, almost 23 years after you married my brother, you are filing for divorce. Wow.

I know he's a pain. He's a lot to deal with. He has many issues, especially his lack of self-confidence. He struggles with his weight. He has a thorny relationship with his mother. He also had that with his father. Wait, am I talking about him or am I talking about you? Parallel universe.

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I just want you to step back and not be so quick to lay blame. Your relationship with my brother has been a struggle for many years. I don't blame you for wanting to get out, to move on, to start fresh. I support this one hundred percent. You've grown apart. It happens. That's okay. All I ask is that you don't make it ugly. You need to be civil. Be mature. Be an adult. No mud slinging. No false accusations and speculations. And, most of all, put your daughter first.

As someone who grew up without a father, don't isolate her from her daddy. While you may want to hurt him because you are hurting, in the end your daughter will suffer the most. Take it from me...I know. Don't fight him on this. Instead you should welcome joint custody. As a single mother with a high school education, you are going to struggle. He will take care of his daughter. He will not let her go without. Trust me on this.

There is one last point to make. Probably the most important. Do not bad talk him to your daughter. I cannot tell you how awful it was to grow up hearing about what a piece of shit my dad was. My mom said it. My grandmother said it. My aunts said it. Before I knew it, I was saying it. Keep your negative comments to yourself. She doesn't need to hear that about her daddy, her first and most important male role model.

Call me if you would like to discuss.

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